Roommates

Warm Up: Matthew 7:1-12

Living with people is sometimes a new experience for people at college. It can be really fun, or it can really stink. In fact, sometimes it can literally stink. After observing people who have succeeded and people who have failed at being a roommate, I have some tips for living with others.

Let us begin by clearing up a common misconception. Many people say it is a bad idea to live with your best friend, but I do not buy into that for a second. I lived with my lifelong best friend and we had a great time together. In fact, we successfully lived together for two years. The problem is never how well you know the person you are living with, and if there are problems they can usually be solved. If you follow these tips, there is a very good chance you will have a fun and worthwhile time with your roommates, even if you are sharing a space that feels like twenty square feet.

The number one thing to remember is probably the one thing nobody wants to do: be humble. So many arguments and conflicts would be completely avoided if someone would just lower their pride. Sometimes pride can cause the stupidest arguments the world has ever seen. During freshman year, my roommate and I had an argument because I took some of his gum without asking. It made him really mad, but I did not think I had done anything wrong because I had given him some of my food earlier. In my mind gum was not a big deal, and really in his mind it was not either, he simply wanted me to ask for something that belonged to him.

If I had just apologized and said, “I will ask for gum from now on,” there would not have been an argument. Instead, I decided I wanted to be right and would not give in. After a few hours or a couple days, I don’t really remember how long it went on, I finally apologized and the argument ended. It was fairly awkward in the room, however, and the gum incident could have led to more intense arguments. Looking back, I know the whole situation could have been avoided with a simple act of humility on my part. Sometimes that act of humility is not easy to do, but when I think about it I would much rather humble myself, which God calls me to do anyway, than go through days, weeks, or even months of tension and awkwardness with the person I live with 24/7.

The second tip is to have a sense of humor. This is something that is not always easy to have, especially for certain people. I do believe there is a level of intentionality, however, that can give anyone the ability to laugh at things. There is always a choice: laugh, or get angry. When a roommate spills milk on your bed, you can either cry about it or laugh at it. When your roommate breaks the futon, you could either get mad or laugh about it. When your roommate accidentally uses your toothpaste, you can either get really ticked and tell all your friends about the problem, or laugh about it and go buy a new one. Obviously, there are certain things a roommate may do that you should not and cannot laugh at. But if they make a mistake and it is an accident, try and not be uptight about it, but be willing to laugh about it. More often than not, if you can laugh at your roommate’s mistakes, he or she will be able to laugh at your mistakes too.

The third tip is crucial. If you have a problem with your roommate, let them know about it. I cannot stress this enough, so many people are afraid of conflict with a roommate that rather than addressing conflict when it begins, they let it linger until it slowly develops into a much bigger issue that ends in an all out explosion of roommate angst and bitterness. There is a misconception in the world that telling someone they are doing something annoying or hurtful will make the other person hate you. Conflict can be handled without destruction and gnashing of teeth. I have found that many times when I present a complaint to one of my roommates, they did not even realize that they were doing something wrong and they immediately fixed the problem.

If your roommate is printing off pages when you want to sleep, let him or her know that it is keeping you awake and you need to sleep. If your roommate is constantly eating your food or wearing your clothes without asking, let them know that is annoys you and they need to ask before taking something. You should be ready, however, because if your roommate is being bothered by something you do there is a good chance they will let you know about it after you let them know what is bothering you. If they do this, be willing to agree and make a deal. “Do unto others as you would have them do to you” is easily the most cliché thing in the book, but it is also one of the most true and applicable things you can know. Setting the example by being willing to accommodate your roommates’ needs will give them more incentive to adjust to your needs.

Be able to understand and appreciate differences you have with your roommate. Odds are, you will not find all the same things funny, you will not like the exact same movies, and you will not use the same cologne or perfume. Just because your roommate is different than you, do not assume that they think you are not cool. Likewise, do not think that your roommate is less cool than you because they are different than you. Different cultural roots can also be a sensitive area too, so be careful that you do not criticize the things they do differently because of where they grew up. At the same time, be careful not to interpret what they say about the way you grew up as criticism. People may just be surprised because they had never heard of that idea or way of life, but that does not mean they are being critical.

The last piece of advice is tough. It is not always enough to not be selfish, you must also be selfless. Doing things for your roommate and considering how they will be affected by your actions will make living with them much more enjoyable. For example, I lived in an apartment with a kitchen for several years. I cook all of my meals while some of my roommates eat most of their meals in the dining halls. Occasionally they get hungry and cook something at the apartment and then just leave the dishes in the sink. They eventually get cleaned, sometimes four or five days later, so in their minds they are not doing anything wrong because they are cleaning their dishes. The problem is, I have to cook in there everyday, and sometimes I need the dishes they used or I need the space in the sink that their dishes are taking up. This is very inconvenient for me. They are not being selfish, but they are not really living selflessly. Living selflessly does not seem very rewarding, but it actually is. It is one of those Biblical paradoxes that never makes sense until you experience it. Doing things for others is somehow the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself. If you treat your roommate selflessly, then most likely they will do the same for you and then everyone will be a happy camper.

There is a small problem with all of these tips. Sometimes you just get suckered into having a roommate who is just a real jerk. Be careful in concluding this however, make sure that you have done everything you can to work out the differences you have. Do not take the easy way out and just conclude you have a jerk roommate before you try and deal with the issues you are experiencing. Because sometimes the person you thought was a jerk will end up being the coolest person you have ever known.

If you do wind up with a total jerk, there is hope! The first thing you can do is start praying that God will work in their heart to make them a better roommate. The second thing you can do is to constantly forgive your roommate, time and time again. God does the same thing for you, so let yourself forgive jerk roommates. The third thing you can do is be the roommate you want them to be. If you are constantly being selfless and joyful, it is going to rub-off on them. And if for some reason it does not, God will see your selflessness and reward you somehow. It may not be now, and it may not even be in this life, but God will take notice.

One thing I have tried to do lately is turn the things my roommates do that annoy me into acts of worship. The best example is, again, the dishes. When I see the dishes cluttering up the kitchen I try not to get angry, and instead I just wash them. This is not always easy to do with a worshipful attitude, and sometimes I need some positive music to help keep a good attitude, but I get the dishes done. During the rest of the day, I can look at the kitchen and not get really ticked off because it looks like an explosion happened in there. Instead, I can just smile and know that things are fine.

Having a roommate can be exciting. You will probably be closer to them than anyone you have ever met. If your roommate is not a believer, you will have the best witnessing opportunity of your life. The tips in this chapter especially apply to that living situation, because your roommate will see that there is something different about the selfless and humble way you live and be drawn to Christ through that. Living with someone is what you make of it. If you want to have fun with them, then you will. If you want to have things your own way and be prideful about everything, you will have a miserable year with your roommate. In my opinion, humility never looked so good.